4/22/10

So it has occurred to me that my worst fears have come true. I am like my mother….I am Bipolar. I think it’s been pretty obvious my whole life. I’ve always been back and fourth between being that A type personality that is on top of things…then I swing to the slacker. I thought it was because I always overloaded myself with too much work, get burnt out and need a rest, then I swing into action and get caught up again. My moments of being a slacker usually don’t last that long so it’s never really been a major issue. I have always bounced back just in time to rush around and pull off whatever project I was working on at the last second. I’ll probably do that with this journal, I’ll write for a long time….then I’ll be a slacker….always up and down up and down.

It’s something I’d like to change about myself, especially when I have a down and I see the look of worry on my husbands face. Those flashbacks to the longest down I’ve ever had that almost cost me my family. I tell myself I need the downs…I mean I’m a busy person and every busy person has to take some time to rest. But the downs I describe are more than just wanting to take a few hours for yourself…..the downs are really days that I would rather just stay in bed and not face the world at all. Those are the times where I find something to loose myself in, watching tv, movies, playing poker, reading a book. When it comes down to it I need to develop a schedule where I can loose myself…maybe for an hour or two a day instead of taking whole weeks off at a time. I also need to find some tools to fight the feelings of depression that make me not want to face the day.

I am thankful that I have the kind of Husband that steps up and does chores. I think I take that for granted. I'd like to say I work real hard to make sure he doesn’t have to pick up too much slack for too long when I’m on a down but that's not true. Sometimes I think it cannot be helped…this is who I am. But its that kind of crazy thinking that really truly makes me like my mom. I never understood how she could be so weak. I would tell her, "Yeah Yeah you have depression….get off your ass and do something about it….there are so many therapies and things you can do to help yourself." Yes, I do speak to my mother disrespectfully like that, but I've always played the role of mother and she has played the role of child, so I get away with it. I asked myself today. "Will the feelings of not wanting to face the world ever go away?" I hope so…..but probably not. Can I use tools to overcome those feelings and function in my busy life in spite of this issue? GOD I hope so....because I never want to be as weak as my mother who uses her illness as a crutch.

I’ve been doing one of the things I do best, Research. I’ve come across a workbook that may be helpful and I;ve already started reading it. “The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression” I’m not really into self-help books but we will see how this one goes. I have also come across websites that have great tips for battling the depressive thoughts. Some of them are ehhhhhhhhh but here are a few I’m going to try.

1. Everyday write down things that you are Thankful for
2. Keep a Journal
3. Exercise
4. Get 8-10 hours of sleep
5. Develop a routine

There are more things I’ve found that I think will be helpful but change is hard for anyone to do and I’ve already listed a lot of things that need changing.

Developing a routine I have already done, the problem will be sticking with the routine even when I don't feel like it. I have a pretty set schedule with work, and I have a huge calendar to keep track of all the kids activities, I have 4 kids, so there are a lot of activities. I find the days where the routine is broken, like having a day off with a sick kid, triggers the down times. I see it as an opportunity to have a lazy day…which is fine for most…but probably not for me. I need to create some sort of structure for those days because it puts me in a mood to keep being lazy for several weeks. I can complete several of my work assignments from home on those days. I can also make sure to do chores around the house and still have plenty of time for rest and relaxation.

Ok I’m going to kill two birds with one stone when it comes to 1&2 but including things I’m thankful for in my daily journal writings.

For the last 9 months I’ve been up and down with making it to the gym, I started at 192 lbs got down to 168lbs and have since bounced back up to 179lbs. I keep making the excuse that I don't have time for the gym with the kids activities, hubby working longer summer hours and him stealing my MWF gym days to workout with his workout buddy, and I’m working on my masters degree online, it really does not leave me time in the evening to workout like I had been. I could go at 8pm after the kids go to bed but that’s the time of night when I’m starting to get tired from everything I've done all day…and I use that time to hang out with hubby, get homework done, or escape with tv or a book for an hour or two. I’ve been telling myself for two months now….that I need to get my ass up in the morning and go before work. This plan also sucks…because I hate getting up in the morning. I think I’m going to research…what time of day is best to workout…and go from there…none the less…I need to get back on track with working out. I did find that my moods were more stable when I was hitting the gym 3 times a week, I wasn’t sick as often and I had a lot more energy to get everything done around the house.

Finally 8-10 hours of sleep a night…..YIKES! I’ve had insomnia..uhhh for as long as I can remember so I haven’t developed a strategy for that yet. If I have to go workout before work Id have to get up at 5:45 am so 8 hours of sleep means I’d have to be in bed and asleep by 10:45.…my usual bed time is anywhere between 2-4 am..so we will see how that works out.