Sunday, May 23, 2010

Back on the wagon

I've been bad....but not the worst I've ever been. I fell off the diet, journaling, sticking to a budget and cleaning the house and being positive wagon. This is usually what happens when I let my depressive feelings take over and envelope me instead of trying to press through the fog. My goal was to eleminate those peroids all together. I know I will always feel the depressive moods but the point was to keep going through the motions of daily life until the negative feelings pass and to use tools to keep the positive feelings around longer. I see now that maybe I need to take babysteps and have a goal to do most everything during those periods and try to make those periods as short as possible. Sorry I know I'm rambling but I do this when I'm back on an upswing. I first look around at everything that I neglected, work on getting caught up, then analyze my feelings to come up with strageties to avoid falling behind with life when I feel depressed. At the moment I'm near the end of getting caught up mode and begining the obsessive analyzation stage. UGH.

So today I'm thankful for.....

1. The debt collectors that bought out the debt we still owe on my hubby reposessed Durango (in which we were upside down on). We owe almost 13,000 but they are offering us a settlement deal to pay 10% ($1261) and they will forgive the rest of the debt. YAY big win here because that counts for a little more than half our total debt.
2. I'm thankful for my Grandmother who is loaning me the 1261 interest free and is letting me pay her $50 a month until we get our taxes next year (yes we already spent our taxes this year on debt and moving) then I will give her a lump sum for the remainder.
3. I'm also thankful for my friend "M" who used to be a morgage broker. He informed us that the aprox. 10,000 that the debt collector is forgiving us will be viewed by the IRS as taxable income. BUT since we are dirt poor right now if we fill out the proper paperwork and show that our remaining debt is still more that what we own (which it totally it because we don't own hardly anything of value) we can get around paying taxes on it.
4. I'm thankful for my hubby who pitched in around the house with cooking and laundry when I was on a, "I Don't Wanna Do Anything Binder."
5. I'm thankful for my children....who always manage to make me smile at least once a day with some silly thing they say or so makes up for the times they drive me NUTS.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My Bad

In the previous post I was complaining about standing up to hubby and not spending our extra money. Well over the course of the week, I managed to nickle and dime our cushion into the negative. BACK to doing ChaCha...I have until the 17th to come up with at least $50. I hate doing the extra work, but it was my fault. I've been feeling tired and run down all week. I think I'm on a down swing, because I was pretty manic when I started this blog and for the last 4 days I've had the I don't wanna do anything feeling. The house is a mess and I'm behind with school work and work work. So it's time to get back on track with my Gratitude Journal, maybe it will turn my mood around.

I'm thankful for:

1. The time I spent with my oldest son this week, helping him do his science fair project. It made me realize I don't spend enough time with him. I end up spending so much time with the babies and he gravitates toward his dad because he is almost 9 and boys that age prefer their fathers. But still it was nice to have some one on one time with him.

2. I'm thankful that I have a private office which allowed my son to hang out and work on his project while I got caught up on work hours I missed last week.

3. I'm thankful for my husband who is picking up the slack around the house with me being so busy....and the fact that I'm not doing as much because I'm fighting a depression spell.

4. Chocolate brownies-Specifically the $3.00 Paula Deen, "Chocolate Gooey Butter Cake." they sell at our local Wal-mart. YUMMY comfort food.

5. My silly friends- who at the moment are listing fun and silly names on my facebook page for the baby turtle my hubby rescued from his work this afternoon, and is now our new pet. So far my top two faves are McGruber and Mr.  T

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Damned if I do damned if I don't

When it comes to household finances I have been in charge our whole marriage. Hubby and I are trying something new as we work through our issues, full disclosure when it comes to bills and spending. In the past I paid everything and just gave him an allowance. There was a time in our lives when he had no clue how much things cost and even more shocking had no clue as to what his take home salary was. This created a problem when he got fired from his job and took a, "fun," job that paid a fraction of what he was making before. We are still recovering financially from the chaos that ensued from that decision of his. The other problem we had was my spending addiction. When we had money I could spend frivolously when I was stressed and it would not get us behind in bills, but it meant we had no savings. When things were tight, I spent more because I was stressed, but had less money to spend so this got us in trouble. Now I still pay the bills, but we sit down once a week and go over our budget and analyze every penny we spend, and we have agreed to stick to the budget no matter what.

Until yesterday we were starting to fall behind again in the bills department. I had been doing ChaCha for extra money on the side and had two bills that we were paying late because I knew I could get away with it. When I went to the mailbox yesterday we received a wonderful blessing, unexpected money. When I told hubby about it I saw the look in his eyes, he wanted to go on a spending spree. He said he wanted to go get the kids baseball stuff this is something we had in our budget for 3 weeks from now. I said let me look at our budget because it is more important to pay everything on time. When it was all said and done we had $300 left over after paying the bills plus I was excited at the idea of not having to do ChaCha to get us caught up. So I tell hubby, yes we can spend the $70 we budgeted for baseball stuff now instead of waiting.

We were at the store and I was keeping track of how much he spent, then he starts looking at stuff we had not discussed buying. When I said, no, he got angry with me and threw a fit like a two year old. He said, "we are caught up, we have the extra money, whats the big deal?"

Over the past few years I have been the one in trouble for going on shopping sprees, then later when it matters we are broke. YES I do have a shopping addiction, but after reading several Dave Ramsey books and sticking to the plan, I have curbed my spending. I admit, I felt that rush sitting there looking at the extra money yesterday. I started thinking about all sorts of things I would like to buy. Then I told myself I did not need those things and fought the urge. Hubby on the other hand was not in control of those urges. If the situation was reversed I would have been in big trouble for trying to spend extra.

Double standards happen like this all of the time in our marriage. He gets mad at me for things I do wrong. I feel he should not get so mad because he is guilty for the very same things. When it comes to insignificant things I let this go. For instance when he gets mad because I waited until late at night on a Saturday to do all the dishes for the entire day instead of doing them after each meal. (and yes he is guilty of doing the same thing) Yesterday was a different story, fighting with him on this double standard was very important. In the past I would have let him overspend, then I would have been the one catching the heat when something unexpected comes up two weeks from now and we do not have the extra money.

So Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Naughty Bombshell

So I mentioned in an earlier post that I needed to forgive my hubby for getting us into a bad place financially, then cheating on me. In the course of trying to work things out with him...I..umm..well lets just say I haven't been perfect.

I started out by escaping my everyday stresses playing online poker, which surprisingly is a place where guys flirt with you like crazy if you have a cute picture and spunky personality. It was not my intention to pick up a guy but I was in an angry phase in dealing with my husbands infidelity. The attention of other guys can be intoxicating, even more than normal when you feel your husband no longer cares. I clicked with a few friends and added them to my msn messenger. Over the course of a few months I skirted on inappropriate conversations with a few that escalated to having phone sex and cyber sex with one and exchanging naughty pics. I rationalized my behavior because I was trying to work on things with hubby and found sex with him to be tedious. The picture of him with another woman would always pop into my head and ruin the mood for me and hubby commented more than once that sex was less than spectacular. The flirting and attention from a few of these guys in a way revved me for hubby and made sex better. If a picture of him with another woman popped into my head, I would think about being with another guy and that kept me turned on.

Then at some point for some reason, probably because I was having fun, was doing a good job at rationalizing and I always seem to push the envelope, I decided to have a physical affair. I in no way wanted to leave my husband but I also thought to myself at several points that maybe having a no strings attached short term affair would help me get over my anger because we would be even. I found a website that is made for discrete dating for married people and signed up under a fake name and fake e-mail address. Through the site over a 3 month period I met several guys online and ended up meeting 4 of them in person and had sexual relations with them. Three of them were one time deals and one guy I met with on three separate occasions. I don't worry that they will ever find me and tell my husband, these men were married and they have something to loose. I also do not worry about their wives finding anything they may have saved, pictures I sent cannot identify me and like I said I did not use my real name or location, I also met them when I was out of town on business, so even the men do not know any real personal information about me.

Was it exciting sneaking around and having another man want me, touch me and pay attention to me? YES. It also made me realize how lonely it would be if I were single trying to date again, the emotional roller coaster you go through meeting someone new can be exciting, but it is also stressful at times. I know my husband and I can still say, he is the greatest lover I have ever known...still to this day. Emotionally we may be working through some things but I know where he stands so marriage in my opinion is not as emotionally taxing as dating.

I stopped messing around with other men when I confided in my best friend K. He was very disappointed with me and told me my rationalizations were stupid and selfish. He was right.

Cheating is just like shoplifting, you start out small, or there may in the beginning be an understandable reason for doing it. In time, you become addicted to the rush, you want more and more and you get sloppy and eventually get caught. I feel like I have been able to move on a little more with my husband since giving up that world, I do feel even with him, not because I was seeking revenge. I know it happened in a similar way for him, he was talking to an old friend who happened to be a girl and it got out of control, then later got bold and started a physical relationship with someone else. I now understand how enticing it was and how hard it is to stop lying and sneaking around, because I have experienced those feelings myself.

I deleted my fake account on the cheating website, but have not brought myself to delete the yahoo account and find myself loging in as invisible to see who is online. In fact I do it about once a week since I decided to quit fooling around two months ago. Like I said, its a hard habit to break, but I quit smoking cigarettes for my husband (11 years ago), and I quit smoking weed for my kids (9 years ago) so I'm sure I can kick this habit as well.

The worst part of all of this is at this point I do not think I would take back what I did. Yes it was important for me to stop, so I could move on in my relationship. I don't suggest wives who had husbands who cheat should go out and get even. I'm just saying, that for me, in some crazy way, the experience has helped me realize what I really want, and now I can start fighting to get it back.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Trying to stay positive

I was on track with the positive thinking this week until my babysitter called in once again saying her kids were sick. I may be wrong, maybe there is something up with her kids but since she found out my job will pay her 5 days a month that my kids don't come, it seems like her kids are conveniently sick 5 times every month. So Tuesday she calls at the last minute and says her kid is sick. I had a meeting with my committee and could not miss work but this is my husbands busy time of the year at work. So I went to my meeting and he just went to work an hour late. Then she called at the last minute yesterday saying he kid was still sick and she was going to finally take him to the doctor, then called later saying she would not be able to take my kids today as well.

Now I am thankful that my job is flexible, Tuesday hubby brought my 2 and 3 year old to my office and they played and watched Dora on the laptop while I worked, then we go to lunch at home and I do some work from home while they nap. Yesterday and today they went with me to the office for 4 hours in the morning and then we went to lunch and the are laid down for a nap for two hours before we have to go get my other two kids. When I get the other kids at 3 the last two hours I should be working....I honestly have no time to work because they all want something. Basically I should work an 8 hour day but I end up putting in 6 hours on days my babysitter calls in sick. This week was slow for work but I do side work online asChaCha Guide. We are behind in money and I need to earn $200 by April 6th and because work was slow this week I was going to sneak in some ChaCha time. It is a pain in the ass to do ChaCha when the kids are around. So Ive been stressed this week because of my frustration with the sitter, being behind and possibly not making enough money to cover bills, and I will still have to make up 6 hours of work in my main job..sometime next week.

Although I'm least I did get to put some hours in, and at least my job doesn't mind my kids being there and me doing some work from home, and being thankful that I even have ChaCha to help supplement our income at times like this.

Oh yeah...I'm working on my Masters online...I haven't had any time left to check into school these past few days, so tonight I will be doing ChaCha as well as burning the midnight oil for school.

I know every mom feels overloaded but this an extra crazy and frustrating week....but...Stay Positive, Right?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Moods and Lyrics

I don't know if anyone else does this, but when I'm in a certian mood I have song lyrics running through my head that correspond with the mood. For example, I should be doing homework right now, and doing dishes, but I'm in the mood to just chill and do nothing. So I have the song, "Burrito's," by Sublime running through my head. Specifically the chorus,

"I don't wanna do a god damn thing
'Cause I ain't gonna leave my bed today

I don't wanna
I don't wanna leave my bed today

I don't wanna
I don't wanna leave my bed today

I don't wanna
I don't wanna leave my bed today."

When I get a negative song running through my head and its because of a negative mood, I instantly try to think of a more positive song. So right now, I'm gonna get off my Ass, go do the dishes and do my homework and get a new song stuck in my head. Maybe a little of, "Good Day," by Jewel,

"It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be"

Gratitude 4/27/10

Today I'm thankful for:

1.Thick windows- Our house has undergone a lot of remodeling and the final project is the yard. The backyard was completely torn up because of the dumpster and construction equipment driving on and off the property over the last 9 months. Today they leveled out the dirt, put down manure and planted seeds. I look forward to having grass in the next few months...but today I'm thankful for my thick windows because my yard does not smell very nice.

2. The flexibility of my job-Today the babysitters kids were sick AGAIN. I had a meeting first thing in the morning so hubby called into work to say he would be an hour and a half late. After my meeting I was able to gather up the rest of my work and bring it home. Sometimes I bring the kids (the youngest two because the oldest two are in school) up to my office for the day, the color and play and watch Dora on my laptop. As long as they are not crazy disruptive, and its not something that happens too much, as long as I meet my deadlines my boss is pretty relaxed with me.

3. Small town living-I grew up in a city, and lived in two major mid west cities and now live in a town of 4000 people, I love the slow pace of life. No longer having a commute for work also gives us so much more time with our family

4. DVR- My day is so busy, and I love to catch a good movie or watch certian shows. It is impossible to watch tv with 4 kids running around and in all fairness I think after working all day the 4 hours between getting home and putting the kids to bed every week night should be spent with my children....not ploped in front of the tv ignoring them. The DVR allows me to catch my shows after my children have gone to bed.

5. Thrift Stores- Summer is almost here and I love buying new pretty clothes during the school year but not during the summer. The kids go do daycare 4 days a week and spend most of the day in the sandbox. (I work for in higher education but as the head of a program, not as a teacher, so I have to put in hours during the summer but I get a three day weekend all summer) I love buying old stained thrift store clothes and not worrying about how their new pretty shirt may get ruined at daycare. Plus it saves me a lot of money in the summer months.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Gratitude 4/26/10

Things I'm thankful for today:

1. Music-I love how it relaxes my mind and drowns out thoughts I don't feel like dealing with. I tend to obsess and over analyze so flipping on some tunes helps me in that department.

2. ChaCha- we are having a cash flow problem and although the side job does not make me tons of cash and it feels repetitive and mind numbing, if I need 20 or 30 extra bucks it's nice to know I can get online and do some work and have the cash I need that day.

3. My family- I know I have listed being thankful for them before but I think we should be thankful for our family everyday so we do not take them for granted.

4. A slight breeze- We got the kid's Kites for Easter and I love days where we have time, and a slight breeze. They have so much fun flying the kites, and I love those moments when we are enjoying something simple like that, and the whole world seems to slow down and you feel in harmony with the world.

5. Hugs-I'm not a touchy feely person, in fact if I don't know a person intimately it makes my skin crawl even if they accidentally brush up against me. The only exceptions are my husband and children, they get hugs and kisses from me everyday.

Sunday, April 25, 2010


I don't live my life by the stars but I do like to look at them from time to time for fun. For the most part I like to read about the personality traits of the signs. Today I noticed for the first time that hubby and I are the least compatible of the signs. I am an Aquarius and he is a Scorpio. The website said that these two signs have a hard time with communication. This is so true, I like to ramble on telling a person what happened by painting a picture and giving background information. Hubby is a, "JUST THE FACTS MAM," kinda person. This can be frustrating for both of us because he tunes me out and misses the point of my stories and I feel he does not give me enough information mainly about things that relate to our busy schedule. At times I become introspective and keep to myself that comes off as cold and uncaring. He is a very emotional needy person that comes off as jealous and possessive at times. I am the type of person who does not want to be smothered or tied down and I flee from situations that make me feel that way. It was just interesting to see the very things we struggle with as a couple laid out on a website that says why we are not compatible.

Horoscope compatibility leaves out the fact that we are madly in love with each other. The signs don't tell about how the first time he wrapped his arms around me and I felt at relaxed and at home for the first time in my life, and how I still feel that way everyday after 10 years. How he is the best lover I've ever had. How he tells me that I'm beautiful and the most wonderful person in the world...everyday. How he cares for our children, and can tell before I even ask that I need a break from the kids and steps in to help. How on his days off he asks me what he can help out with around the house and pitches in without complaint. How we had similar upbringings and have similar values and views when it comes to life.

I understand how he communicates and I give him the facts as much as I can, and save the storytelling part of my personality for my best friends K (a guy) and L (a girl). (who are both Gemini's which happens to be the best match for my personality) I can tell when he's feeling needy and I attend to his needs and he can tell when I need my space and he attends to my needs. That's what marriage is after all, a lifetime of compromises. Should you compromise who you are But understanding your partners way of thinking and tweaking how you interact to make sure their needs are met. I think we have a lot of divorces because people forget that simple act. I know we did and almost lost everything.

BTW if hubby were writing this post...he would simply say, "My wife and I, our signs our not compatible, but I love her anyway."


I missed a day but I did think about what I was grateful for..just did not find time to post it.

Yesterday I helped our babysitter have a garage sale to raise money for her new swing set, I hosted it at my house because I have a huge driveway and live right on the main street in a small town. I was sitting there in the cold know..people pay about $30 to put an add in the local paper, I should charge $15 for them to use my driveway and save money of the add. I never would do that, but I'm always thinking of silly ways to make extra money.

The real point is...I had a very busy weekend because of helping out friends.

Yesterday on top of cleaning my house and grocery shopping alone with my 4 children because hubby was at work, I had the garage sale all morning and co-hosted a pampered chief party in the evening. I am working on my Masters Degree online and had a paper due by midnight so I had that to think of as well.

Sometimes I'm thankful for having such good friends, because they help me out when I need it as well, so it's not all one sided. But I also think I have to say no to some people from time to time.

Yesterday....for the most part....I was very thankful for sleep...when I finally got to bed at 1am. Oh yeah....other than missing a post yesterday in the journal I've been doing pretty good about the changes I wanted to make...with the exception of getting more sleep.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Gratitude 4/23/10

I actually thought about what I was going to be grateful for several times today. I dealt with paying bills today so most of these are money related. I think for most of us paying bills can be a downer but I do admit, thinking about my gratitude journal helped me stay as positive as I could today. Here's what I'm grateful for today:

  1. My babysitter-She's not the best when it comes to working with the kids on pre-school stuff, but she pays good attention to the kids. My work pays for my daycare but they do not pay her usual full asking price, one thing that makes her awesome is she does not charge me the difference between the rates my boss will pay and what she actually charges. She saves me about $450 a month...after paying bills today. I'm very grateful for her.
  2. Illegal downloads-I know it's naughty...I did saw I wasn't the most upstanding person in the world. I enjoy a lot of music and movies and decided today most of the shows we watch on HBO and Showtime I can download. I told hubby today we can cancel those premium channels and save $35 a month. Lord only knows how much I've saved in free music. BTW if there is an artist I really love, or a movie that is really great, I do go out and buy a good quality I'm not a total leach.
  3. The learning co-op- my youngest son has speech problems. In cheapville USA there are several programs that are free to matter how much money they make. The learning co-op has speech therapy for my 3 year old for no cost. This program has helped his behavior because he is verbalizing instead of getting frustrated, throwing a fit and hitting people. Thanks to the learning co-op it's like he's a totally different child. If they did not offer that service for free, who knows where we would be right now.
  4. Quicken- it has really helped me stay on track, plan a budget and learn how to plan ahead. I am just starting out learning how to be more financially responsible but that program has made things a lot easier. (BTW this goes back to #2, I'll admit...I downloaded Quicken Illegally)
  5. Earbuds- I know I'm grasping for straws now. But I love my earbuds because I can tune out everything and listen to music and focus on my work. Today at work..listened to music to drown out the band. (I work in Higher Education and my office is in the building that houses the music program, their practices are not always easy on the ears) As I type this now I am listening to music while hubby watches wrestling...yay for drowning out his soap opera. So yes, I'm truly thankful for earbuds.


Today I was listening to Joyce Meyer. I’m not the kind of person who sits around watching evangelists all day; actually I’m addicted to some pretty edgy shows. But anyways, I like Joyce Meyer because she’s bold and honest and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She’s actually pretty brash and I can respect and relate to her personality. The point of my rambling is because of something she said today.

She was saying that we need to forgive people, I mean really forgive. Then she goes on to say that God will be your avenger. If someone does something wrong to you…….you must forgive…….but also know that God will give them what’s coming to them. This vengeance come only because of your actions, God will only give them what’s coming to them, if you truly forgive and hand the job of judgment over to God.

I’m not a person who lets people in, but when I met my husband it was like something clicked and I felt like I could trust him. We had a whirl wind marriage and 8 out of the last ten years have been like a fairy tale. Yes, we are one of those couples that have GREAT sex 3-4 times a week, flirts with eachother, laugh everyday, have several inside jokes and at times communicate without even talking. Although we have a lot of fun together, we still fight more than we used to because of what he did and my inability to let go and forgive him.

In the last few years he’s done several things to break my trust. This has turned me into a person that I don’t really like. Not only do I struggle with forgiveness but I don’t like who I have become and this has hurt my self esteem. Here are the things I need to forgive my Husband for:

1. Getting fired and taking the sales job:

I knew he did not like his job, but I encouraged him to stick with it because we were only 6 months away from being totally debt free. His job had a great profit sharing program and if he could have toughed it out for 3 more years we would have been very well off financially and he could have quit and gone back to school to do whatever he wanted. Because he hated his work he did a shitty job and got fired two weeks after we had our fourth child. (I lie and tell everyone that he got fired because we did not want to move again, this is the first time I’ve said out loud the real reason he was fired) After getting fired he took a sales job that was commission only because it was fun. He knew nothing about our financial situation; I paid all of the bills. The burden of our $8000 a month budget was all on my shoulders. I stopped paying off the debt and worried about keeping a roof over our head, while trying to be supportive because my husband was happy with his job for the first time in years. On a good month he made $500 to cover bills, while I stayed home with our four children, ran a daycare, had a part time job as a youth pastor, did ChaCha every time the kids would leave me alone, started school at UOP to take out student loans, and eventually got a night job working two nights a week at a gas station. I know I’m painting him as an awful person, but for my part in this never once did I tell him how bad the financial burden was, and I encouraged him to keep the sales job because I liked seeing him happy, I thought I was doing the right thing by being supportive. After 4 months of the crappy job I told him how bad things were and that he needed to find a new job. He reluctantly went back into his previous field of work but was not happy about it. This is when I became bitter and mean about the situation he put us in, my anger grew and grew and for the first time EVER we were fighting all the time.

2. Having an affair and being a lying bastard

I understand because of the fighting and my hatefulness that he felt a need to find support elsewhere, I’m not making excuses; I’m just saying I see now how the choices we made led him to this bad act. I think that I would be able to get over the affair easier if he would have come clean right away but he only confessed to what I knew. At first I found out he was just having an emotional online affair with an ex, then a few days later I found out he had someone at the house while I was working nights, then a week later I found out he will still talking to the Ex after he said he would cut off contact, then I saw him admit to her that he did have a physical affair with someone else in an e-mail. All evidence still leads me to believe that he had an affair with one of his employees but when I had him backed into a corner he confessed but said it was a customer. To this day I still believe he’s lying to me about who it was with. Probably for her protection because I was raised very ghetto and I would kick her ass, then ask God to forgive me for it. None the less, we moved away from there and he is no longer around the little whore so I don’t stress about that anymore. I did however see that my husband is a talented liar and the lies, not the affair is what makes me continue to have a hate in my heart for him. This happened a little over a year ago, and he has done a lot to try to prove to me that he will never lie again, I have access to his e-mail and facebook accounts, he does not work with computers at work so his only access is on our computer, in which I have a keylogger on so I know his every move. He left his job and followed me back to cheapvillle, where I figured I could keep better tabs on him, and if I had to leave I could afford to do it on my own here. He no longer carries a cell phone and says he has no desire to. He got a job where he works the same hours as I, so if we are not at work we spend much more time together than we were. I told him actions speak louder than words and after having him lie so easily and frequently, if he wanted to keep it together, he had to prove it to me with actions. This is the hardest thing to forgive. I want to forgive because I know he’s been good and he’s shown me over the past year that he wants this to work. We have more happy days than sad or angry days and that is a good sign, but there is a part of my heart that is broken, and I do not see him in the same light as before.

3. Getting me pregnant on purpose with our 4th child.

Again, in the past few years I have seen how selfish my husband can be. In counseling he confessed that he got me pregnant on purpose with our 4th child because he wanted me to stay at home with the kids. No, I am not married so some jackass that wanted me at home to wait on his every need, he does more cooking and cleaning that I do at times and actually enjoys it. He’s a strange cookie in that department, I know. His reasoning was this: I worked all the time, at a job I hated, I never saw him, I never saw the kids. He figured he was miserable, I was miserable and he saw it as a solution because I was not willing to quit my job. I had my eye on the prize of paying off our debt, he felt our family was falling apart and it was a bad desperate decision on his part. I understand his reasoning and I am completely thankful for our precious daughter, she is one of my many joys in life. He was right, I needed to quit my job and find something that was better for me and for my family, but he was wrong in how he approached the problem. What I am angry for is the manipulation. I see in therapy that he is truly sorry, and this is something he could have easily kept to himself but he wanted to be honest and come clean about it, so I applaud him for that. But still it has made my view of him change and I struggle with trust these days so the confession only added to my hostility.

This brings me full circle to what I heard this morning, forgive. I’ve become someone I don’t like because of my inability to forgive. I’ve never been a jealous possessive person and I hate being this way. I am jealous and I check up on him because I have not forgiven him. The part that really moved me today is when she said, “If you can truly forgive, then have faith that God will be your avenger.” It’s just like Karma. What goes around comes around.

To me that says, when I let go, and truly forgive my husband I can reclaim my life by not being angry and jealous and possessive. If he is truly working on keeping our marriage together we can move forward because of my forgiveness. I can also take comfort in knowing God will look out for me. If darling Hubby ever strays again, God will let me know and God will give him what he deserves. When I think about it, I wasn’t suspicious when I found out he was cheating I just stumbled on it. God was looking out for me, and gave him what was coming to him by showing me what was going on. I have to trust in him, that he will show me if it happens again and things will workout, so I can finally let go and forgive.

Don’t take this as a weakness I firmly believe, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I won’t be fooled twice, and hubby knows that. I have emergency savings so I can leave if he betrays me again and my grandmother opened a savings account and put enough money in it to pay for a divorce if I ever need it. But what this all boils down to is the fact that he’s been working hard to redeem himself and we have hit a wall in the progress of fixing our marriage because I have yet to forgive him. So now, I’m letting go of these things, but I won’t be a fool, God will take care of things if Hubby is not making a true effort and decides to pull any crap like this again.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Gratitude 4/22/10

I cannot believe I almost forgot to do one of the things from my list, ok so I can believe I almost forgot, that's how I roll. This website that mentions a Gratitude Journal I really like the paragraph they wrote about the idea so I'm going to share it.

When you continuously express things you are grateful for, it trains your brain to begin focusing on things you like about your life instead of the things you don't.

Often times depression stems from a routine of negative thoughts so a gratitude journal re-programs your mind to think more positively. Your outlook on life will change.

I tried gratitude journals several times in my life, but didn't experience any benefit because I didn't stick with it. In order to receive the benefits from a gratitude journal you need to keep one everyday for at least two weeks. You should also write down at least 5 items each day.

It's also important to do it even when you feel bad. In fact, that's when it's most beneficial. You will begin to see that even on your bad days, you always have something to be grateful for.

You'll also notice that as you continue to keep a journal, you'll start finding more and more to write about. I started out writing 5 things but as time went on, my list kept getting longer and longer.

Here it goes, the five things I'm grateful for today:
  1. My family-I know that sounds so cliche but I cannot imagine my life without my husband and four wonderful kids. Yes they make my life crazy but in the course of the day at least one of them does one thing that makes me smile or laugh. If I was single with no children, who would make me smile and laugh?
  2. My job- Without giving away too much personal information I'll just say that I love my job. It doesn't pay the best, but I love what I do and they are flexible when it comes to my children.
  3. My house- I grew up living in roach infested dumps. I don't live in a mansion now, but it is a nice home with moderately nice things and my children are not spoiled but they have more than what I had growing up.
  4. My Best friend "K"- I have to admit that my best friend is a guy, I know that's not normal but it is what it is. K is there whenever I need to talk about anything good or bad. I feel comfortable telling K most things that bother me and he does not judge. I have to remember that not everyone has a friend you can truly trust most of your secrets with.
  5. My health- Other than allergies and the occasional sinus infection, oh yeah and occasionally feeling depressed, all in all I don't have any major illness that puts me out of commission. Don't get me wrong depression is a serious disease, but what I have is mild, so my health could be worse when you really think about it.
That was harder than I thought it would be....1-3 rolled right out of my brain but I had to sit here and think about the rest. We'll see how tomorrow goes since I've used up the easy ones.


So it has occurred to me that my worst fears have come true. I am like my mother….I am Bipolar. I think it’s been pretty obvious my whole life. I’ve always been back and fourth between being that A type personality that is on top of things…then I swing to the slacker. I thought it was because I always overloaded myself with too much work, get burnt out and need a rest, then I swing into action and get caught up again. My moments of being a slacker usually don’t last that long so it’s never really been a major issue. I have always bounced back just in time to rush around and pull off whatever project I was working on at the last second. I’ll probably do that with this journal, I’ll write for a long time….then I’ll be a slacker….always up and down up and down.

It’s something I’d like to change about myself, especially when I have a down and I see the look of worry on my husbands face. Those flashbacks to the longest down I’ve ever had that almost cost me my family. I tell myself I need the downs…I mean I’m a busy person and every busy person has to take some time to rest. But the downs I describe are more than just wanting to take a few hours for yourself…..the downs are really days that I would rather just stay in bed and not face the world at all. Those are the times where I find something to loose myself in, watching tv, movies, playing poker, reading a book. When it comes down to it I need to develop a schedule where I can loose myself…maybe for an hour or two a day instead of taking whole weeks off at a time. I also need to find some tools to fight the feelings of depression that make me not want to face the day.

I am thankful that I have the kind of Husband that steps up and does chores. I think I take that for granted. I'd like to say I work real hard to make sure he doesn’t have to pick up too much slack for too long when I’m on a down but that's not true. Sometimes I think it cannot be helped…this is who I am. But its that kind of crazy thinking that really truly makes me like my mom. I never understood how she could be so weak. I would tell her, "Yeah Yeah you have depression….get off your ass and do something about it….there are so many therapies and things you can do to help yourself." Yes, I do speak to my mother disrespectfully like that, but I've always played the role of mother and she has played the role of child, so I get away with it. I asked myself today. "Will the feelings of not wanting to face the world ever go away?" I hope so…..but probably not. Can I use tools to overcome those feelings and function in my busy life in spite of this issue? GOD I hope so....because I never want to be as weak as my mother who uses her illness as a crutch.

I’ve been doing one of the things I do best, Research. I’ve come across a workbook that may be helpful and I;ve already started reading it. “The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression” I’m not really into self-help books but we will see how this one goes. I have also come across websites that have great tips for battling the depressive thoughts. Some of them are ehhhhhhhhh but here are a few I’m going to try.

  1. Everyday write down things that you are Thankful for
  2. Keep a Journal
  3. Exercise
  4. Get 8-10 hours of sleep
  5. Develop a routine

There are more things I’ve found that I think will be helpful but change is hard for anyone to do and I’ve already listed a lot of things that need changing.

Developing a routine I have already done, the problem will be sticking with the routine even when I don't feel like it. I have a pretty set schedule with work, and I have a huge calendar to keep track of all the kids activities, I have 4 kids, so there are a lot of activities. I find the days where the routine is broken, like having a day off with a sick kid, triggers the down times. I see it as an opportunity to have a lazy day…which is fine for most…but probably not for me. I need to create some sort of structure for those days because it puts me in a mood to keep being lazy for several weeks. I can complete several of my work assignments from home on those days. I can also make sure to do chores around the house and still have plenty of time for rest and relaxation.

Ok I’m going to kill two birds with one stone when it comes to 1&2 but including things I’m thankful for in my daily journal writings.

For the last 9 months I’ve been up and down with making it to the gym, I started at 192 lbs got down to 168lbs and have since bounced back up to 179lbs. I keep making the excuse that I don't have time for the gym with the kids activities, hubby working longer summer hours and him stealing my MWF gym days to workout with his workout buddy, and I’m working on my masters degree online, it really does not leave me time in the evening to workout like I had been. I could go at 8pm after the kids go to bed but that’s the time of night when I’m starting to get tired from everything I've done all day…and I use that time to hang out with hubby, get homework done, or escape with tv or a book for an hour or two. I’ve been telling myself for two months now….that I need to get my ass up in the morning and go before work. This plan also sucks…because I hate getting up in the morning. I think I’m going to research…what time of day is best to workout…and go from there…none the less…I need to get back on track with working out. I did find that my moods were more stable when I was hitting the gym 3 times a week, I wasn’t sick as often and I had a lot more energy to get everything done around the house.

Finally 8-10 hours of sleep a night…..YIKES! I’ve had insomnia..uhhh for as long as I can remember so I haven’t developed a strategy for that yet. If I have to go workout before work Id have to get up at 5:45 am so 8 hours of sleep means I’d have to be in bed and asleep by 10:45.…my usual bed time is anywhere between 2-4 we will see how that works out.


Journals are a very dangerous thing, I’ve never believed in them. Mainly because I carry myself to be a good person but deep down I truly am not. I feel to truly journal you must write down every action and thought honestly...this can get a person in trouble. My first thought about keeping a journal was to make sure I keep this well hidden. Then I thought...what's the point of writing things down if no one ever reads it. When you unburden, you are casting out those bad thoughts. If I write down my thoughts and stick them in a dark corner where no one will ever see them, what's the point. I may as well keep those thoughts tucked away safely in the dark corners of my mind. Then I had a second thought, the internet is a wonderful tool for anonymity. So, here I am unburdening my thoughts to...whoever cares to the safest way I can possibly think of. I want to start out by saying I may not have the nicest things to say, so if I offend you I'm sorry, but being utterly honest, even anonymously takes some courage. Some of my thoughts are typical things a mother and wife would worry about and some of them are not but they are who I am and I'm here owning them, even if it offends. Oh and I'm not a writer by be forgiving if I ramble or do not use proper grammar.